I'm Walt Mossberg; shut up. A year ago, I laid out my predictions for 2010, and said that one year later, I'd review them. Well, today is one year later, and I'm about ready for a nice, goopy mouthful of some claim chowder. Ready? 1. The iPad will change the face of computing. I said the iPad would change the face of computing, and jeezum crap, it did! Millions have purchased the iPad, and then thrown out their old, useless computers in the face of such staggering innovation. I said the sales of the iPad would be just under 7 billion. I'm going to say that 8 million is, in fact, just under 7 billion. ; 2. No one will care about the Nexus One. Another win for me: while the Nexus One was a well-reviewed phone, it sold like crap cakes, and now it's dead. Google's since learned that they're good at search and OS building, but goddamn terrible at selling phones directly to customers. 3. Paul Thurrott will get a job at MacLife magazine. While notorious Windows-bigot Paul Thurrott didn't end up on the payroll of MacLife, I'm going to call this prediction a hit based on a recent column where Thurrott admitted that Apple is the biggest and most important tech company in the world; if that's not an application to work for a Mac magazine, I don't know what is! 4. Steve Ballmer will somehow get even more bald. This one doesn't even require more explanation. He's so bald! 5. Microsoft will announce a subscription OS, but no one will care. I said that Microsoft would announce a subscription-only OS, but that no one other than journalists would use it. I'd like to introduce you to a little device called the Microsoft Kin; absolutely nobody cared about this lump of junk! 6. Chrome OS will be a failure. Last year I said that Chrome OS will be a failure. It's so much of a failure that it hasn't even been released yet! Case closed. 7. Techcrunch will get bought by AOL. I think I was the only pundit on the planet who called this one, but I did, right down the smallest detail. Look it up, unbelievers! 8. Leo Laporte will Kill Robert Scoble. This is my only miss of the year; I said that king of the internet Leo Laporte would kill Robert Scoble with his bare hands. What the hell happened, Leo? Do you have any idea how much money I'd laid down on this one? You told me it was a sure thing. Make it happen, you loveable bastard! Kill Scoble dead! -- As you can see, I got a staggering 90% of my predictions right. Truly I am the only technology journalist in the world. Come back next week for my predictions for the year ahead; they're sure to be perfectly accurate. This has been Walt Mossberg; shut up.
I'm the only Technology Journalist in the world and when I talk it's amazing. Made by Hoggworks Studios. (hoggworks.com) This is a parody of Walt Mossberg, in case anyone's wondering. He writes for the Wall Street Journal and is apparently quite the grouch.