2007 Victoria Tai | viarota@gmail.com “How To Be Twice As Ghetto” Everyone knows the best-selling book “How to Be Twice As Smart.” Well unfortunately that isn’t my particular field of expertise, so I’m going to teach you the little I do know: How To Be Twice As Ghetto TM by Victoria Tai In this installation, you’ll get a hang of being a “cheap bastard” by defying normal means of humiliation, taking stride in the unconventional and hopefully be brainwashed enough to come up with your own embarrassing tips that will make everyone else squeamish. To all ye drones of the world, unite in ghetto pride. Let us be gangsta in unison. So what are you waiting for? Let’s begin. 1) Pinch pennies and follow a budget, even if you’ve amassed a sum in the bank. Being frugal is all a frame of mind, and it starts by paying yourself. Put money away for a rainy day. Rarely eat out. Bring leftover lunch to work. Or attend events and go to places which offer free food. Sneak some home, even the napkins and plastic cutlery. (The Google cafeteria is my personal supermarket.) Cut, style and highlight your own hair. Hey for $7-a-box, two people can get a new hair color. Buy the exact portion that’ll quench your craving and avoid the diminishing margin of satisfaction of buying more. Buy a piece-of-junk car. Never take it to a carwash. Let the rain sluice off the compounding dirt. Rain might be a problem in California. What do you do with all that extra money? This is the best article I’ve read on that matter: http://www.dumblittleman.com/2007/07/cost-of-waiting-to-invest.html 2) Take advantage of disadvantaged communities. Go to the public library in the ghettoest neighborhood you know, there’s often initiatives that offer free (or very discounted) museum, zoo, theatre, and event passes. Also, whenever you need a strong dose of retail therapy to feel empowered, consider binge borrowing at the library. Hog all the new arrivals and max out the number of books, CDs and DVDs that your library card permits and prevent other citizens from enjoying them by renewing your stash. Then, once you get the funk out of your system, you’ll be really glad you gave yourself the thrill of swiping a plastic card, and indulged your materialistic needs without incurring a single debt (to yourself that is. To the community, it’s another matter.) Sure, you won’t even get through reading all the new stuff, but it’s the feeling of acquisition that counts. If you really have no shame, corporations also offer subsidized internet service and 2007 Victoria Tai | viarota@gmail.com “How To Be Twice As Ghetto” basic discounted phone service and television...you just have to ask. http://www.ed.gov/Technology/erateforms/slcmai1a.html 3) Always buy generic brands for consumer products. Target, Walmart, Safeway, Albertsons and other store brands often carry identical copies of the name-brand material whether it’s contact solution, over-the-counter pharmaceuticals, baby formulas, raisins, batteries, floss or creams. Forget the marketing. It’s not a new formula, it’s usually identical since they just purchase the surplus and it’s the same stuff without the marketing overhead, straight from the same ol’ factory. You even get a store warranty on it. This is an interesting comparison: http://www.freemoneyfinance.com/2006/03/save_big_money_.html 4) Freeload financial aid from the health care industry and erase hospital debts with a magic wand. This is ghetto fabulous amnesty, especially if healthcare bills are eating you alive. What could have been a $200,000 surgery, just might be off your back tomorrow. http://www.wisebread.com/how-to-erase-your-medical-debt 5) The other skinny on sales. Did you know that if you naturally wear women’s size 0 to size 2, this season’s latest fashion can be 50%-80% off because those pieces are difficult to sell? Purchase off the mannequin and get “sample” pieces they created for the model which are sometimes a nominal $5 or free. No one has to know. If you’re thin, you should ask always for discounts. IN FACT, ASK FOR A BETTER PRICE all the time in stores. Bargain gracefully, and ask for special client discounts or inquire about which days to come shopping. 6) Never pay premium for everyday commodities. Retail is like the F word. It’s so profane, it should only be a last resort. There’s always a cheaper option: Ripped Lonely Planet and Let’s Go guidebooks should be bought on the streets of Vietnam. All other literature, you should check if it’s on library.google.com and new releases should be bought through addall.com. Apparel, media and gifts should be bought in Asia. Gas for your car---gaswatch.com. Serfs and slaves---domystuff.com or getfriday.com. PhD or MBA students---guru.com. Programmers--- elance.com. Your mom and dad’s retirement---do this. It’s amazing what they can pull off nowadays. Have a kidnapped kid that you simply don’t want to deal with? Have an Indian MBA negotiate down the ransom the way only South Asians know how. Just kidding. Now check out this cool concept: http://www.wisebread.com/the-bank-of-gasoline-0 2007 Victoria Tai | viarota@gmail.com “How To Be Twice As Ghetto” 7) There are two ways to see the world affordably. The first is to follow my “Global Jet-Setting” budget airlines guide, the second is to join the Navy. Both are ghetto, but only one puts you at risk of overfriendly sailors who’ve been at sea too long. Pack critical items and buy clothing in a developing country. Try to plan your trip around spring and autumn, and avoid tourist season like the plague. When at your destination, bargain like your life depended on it. 8) Five must-have items. TOILET PAPER OR TISSUE. Always carry a roll in developing countries, replenish when low. Useful in many situations, but especially emergency ones. Let me count the ways: 1) messy spills 2) remove stains 3) to wipe yourself 4) to act as a nose filter in smelly places, etc. ZIPLOCK BAGS. Can’t find this utilitarian product anywhere in developing regions and I reuse mine a lot. Small or large, they’ll keep your exploding lotions from damaging everything else. Use ‘em to hold snacks, and serve as organizers. RAMEN & INSTANT NOODLES. On many trains and hotels, boiling water is free. You can bring your own bowl, or buy one with a bowl and reuse. If you buy a good flavor, you can crumble it and eat it as is. Avoid paying for overpriced food on board. SUN PROTECTION. If only because skin damage is nasty and expensive to repair. Carry a hat, fine big sunglasses, cover your skin with light clothing, bring a high-SPF sunblock and cover your hands. There is even clothing woven with metallic oxides effective at blocking the sun. PEN, PAD AND SMALL SCISSORS. Because inevitably you’ll have ideas or need to copy something or need to give someone your email address. And scissors are wonderful inventions. If you don’t have a travel pair, a nail clipper will do. OTHER THINGS to have handy: medicine pouch, bottled water, your own clean sheets, safety and bobby pins, sewing kit, vanity kit, mini-sized toiletries, extra socks and undies, flashlight/torch, cuddly sweater for pillow. 9) Begone, mosquitos. If you visit a mosquito- or tick-infested place and have sensitive skin, you always want to bring DEET repellent with you (or in my case, haul the entire mosquito tent.) However, if you are caught without or too stingy to purchase, and not ghetto enough to mooch a friend’s repellent, crush basil leaves or marigolds and rub it on you. If you’re a guy, you can also wipe yourself down with gin. For a more feminine scent, vanilla extract will also help you avert mosquitoes. Who knew, huh? 10) Embrace your inner hoodlum and avoid identity theft or robbery. It could happen on the bus, the subway, the train, anywhere, but especially if you’re in another country. Dress like the locals. Separate important 2007 Victoria Tai | viarota@gmail.com “How To Be Twice As Ghetto” documents and put it in a plastic folder that is too large to snatch out and is waterproof. Xerox a copy in your wallet. Bring only two credit cards with photo identification and a comprehensive insurance policy. Keep them separate. Use a combination lock, better yet, a lock net. Your tired mind only keeps track of five items (for me: camera, cellphone, wallet, notebook, iPod) so don’t bring any more valuables. Check these hustles out: http://www.smoke420.com/news/the-top-7-hustles-you-need-to-watch- out-for/ 11) Late again and scrambling to the airport? Does that airport seem to hold a million-man-march every time you need to leave? Fear not, and be tardy with the smug sense of superiority that only comes with paying a hundred bucks per annum. www.flyclear.com allows registered members to skip long lines in security checks and head straight for the gate. 12) Expand your vocabulary. Your ghetto vocabulary that is. One cannot truly be a cheap bastard while communicating in snooty-speak. You must be gangsta and make us believe you’re street urban. You betta axe somebody: http://www.urbandictionary.com/ Wait, I know what you’re thinking— Can you really learn the behaviors to actually be more ghetto? Isn’t this just another phony overnight scheme? No, and I assure you backed with my 100% guarantee, that I am the real deal. You’re talking about the girl who walked three hours in subzero Boston winter in order to avoid the $1.25 subway fare, so let’s say it all together now: “Now that’s ghetto!” These days, achieving the unmistakable hallmarks of ghettoness is no longer limited to the lowest echelons of disadvantaged poor. Millions of people just like you are employing these exclusive proven techniques...on the news, on the car, at the office, maybe in your own home. With commitment and attentive effort to flagrant shortcutting, you too, can join the nation’s fastest growing trend. Shamelessness. Is it in you? Less